Quotes

Jack: He's a smarty pants, Will... he uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen'.

Jack: I am metaphorically curled up in the fetal position and you continue to kick me about the ear, nose, and throat?

Jack: I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he's rich and thin.

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from 45 minutes of butt-robics, I give you... my ass.

Jack: Right now I just kind of wanna be alone with my thought.

Jack: There are no straight men. Only men who have not met Jack.

Jack: They say Jack is a wise man, Jack is a dangerous man, Jack is a great man-- no. Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men.

Jack: Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you.

Jack: Women, can't live with them... end of sentence.

Will: That is the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Jack: I know. Isn't it yummy?

Jack: I've copped a feel. Might as well feel a cop!

Jack: There are no straight men. Only men who have not met Jack.

Jack: Haaa, that's so funny I almost forgot you were fat!

Jack: Hey, it's not called the Will and Grace show, it's called Just Jack!

Jack: Karen, it pains me to think that I can just be bought by you. I have no choice but to work through that pain.

Jack: Ever since Rocco dumped me, I can't eat a thing. It's like I'm becoming 'manorexic'.

Jack: Right now I just kind of wanna be alone with my thought.

Will: But you didn't know him.
Jack: But I loved him.
Jack: He was the source of all my talent.
Will: You don't have any talent.
Jack: But I loved him.

Jack: Sometimes good dogs happen to bad people.

Jack: Jack was en fuego all night. The lovelies were buzzing around me like... like what?
Will: Like moths to a flamer?

Will: I need to speak to both of you about Rosario.
Jack: That's Mrs. Jack McFarland to you.
Will: I thought YOU were Mrs. Jack McFarland.

Jack: Oo, my very own sexless marriage! Just like Will and Grace.

Will: She's got her own apartment.
Jack: Eight dysfunctional feet away.
Karen: Lord, they're like siamese twins... who are joined at their boring personalities.

Jack: 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off.'
Will: Really. What's gay for get out?
Jack: That would be, 'Good morning.'

Jack: Oh look, Will, I'm flipping you the bird.

Jack: Hold still, Klaus van Puppy, we're accessorizing. Ooh, look at you all street. You're like Notorious D-O-G. I'm the pooch with the cold wet snout, if you sniff my butt then I'll ask you out. Word to the bitch.

Karen: Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?
Jack: No! How can you even ask me that? If my grandmother died would you bring me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

Jack [to Guapo]: You again? Oh my God, I'm Tippi Hedren.

Jack [hiding Guapo in the closet]: Now Guapo, the closet's not that bad. Will was in there for twenty years.

Jack: Oh my God, Karen, I don't know what to say.
Karen: Say, 'Thank you Karen, thank you for a boat with a mahogany deck, a cruising speed of forty knots and a staff of cabin boys who are either gay or questioning.'
Jack: Oh my God, it's one out of eery ten men's dream.

Jack: I'm so ashamed, Karen, I'm so sorry.
Karen: It's okay. A part of me is angry, but a part of me is proud. The rest of me is just drunk.

Jack: Oh my God, I just got to second with Grace.

Jack: Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass.

Jack: How dare you play the Cher card!

Jack: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... you're thinning on top.

Jack [to Will]: I'm going to say this because I love you. Your disproportionately large head gives you a marionette-like quality.

Jack: What, a guy sleeps with guys and immediately he's pegged as gay?

Jack: Would you stop worrying? She's just a maid.
Karen: Just a maid? That's like saying Pradas are just shoes or vodka is just a morning beverage!

Jack: I think the first thing you're gonna buy me are colored contacts. I need new eyes for fall.

Jack: F.Y.I., you S.O.B., cater waitering is T.U.F.F.

Jack: You couldn't do my job for even one night.
Will: Jack, a monkey could do your job provided he had a tux and a lisp.

Jack: Be at the Waldorf at 5 o'clock and rent a tux.
Will: I have a tux.
Jack: No you don't. I borrowed it.

Will: Jack, if I sounded anything like that guy, I'm sorry.
Jack: Will, letting me keep this tux means never having to say you're sorry.

Jack: I've kept this from you for a long time and that's wrong because it makes it seem like I'm ashamed of something I'm not ashamed of. I want you to know who I am because I'm proud of who I am.... Mom, I'm gay.

Jack: Who's my father?
Judith: Well, it's not exactly clear.
Jack: Mother, if your explanation doesn't end with 'born in a manger,' I'm going to be violently ill.

Jack: Get over it, Grace, you already have one gay husband, leave me be.

Will: Sexual harassment? Starring the guy that asked his co-worker at Starbucks if he had two nipples for a dime?
Jack: Which, by the way, was the beginning of a very fulfilling three-day relationship.

Jack: I've updated my special skills. I now know stage combat, banjo and as of last night I can drive a commuter ferry... sort of.

Jack [to Karen]: Keep your boobies away, I'm trying to imagine Matt Damon.

Jack: This macho bully school yard crap is so 1983 I could vomit.

Jack: Oh my God! The day I've been waiting for has finally arrived.
Will: Congratulations, Jack, I wish you a long and happy life as a woman.
Jack: Haha. That's so funny I forgot you're fat.

Will: That sounds fun. What time is it on?
Jack: Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-latelies.
Will: Oh, please please please can't I be a flouncing geek too?

Claire: I'm guessing you're a high-maintenance kind of friend.
Jack: I cost a little more, but I'm worth it.

Jack [to Will]: You can't just start sleeping with women. Who are you, Anne Heche?

Jack: Karen, take me to your dentist. I feel my teeth are dull and people are laughing at me.
Grace: Oh, Jack, that's not why people are laughing.

Jack: I hate when they go snap, crackle, poop.

Jack: What was that about, flincy?
Will: What do you mean?
Jack: You flinched, flinchy. Wifey tried to give you a smooch and you flinched. What's the matter, flinchy?

Jack [to Karen]: Rosario makes your bed, now lie in it.

Karen: Hi, poodle.
Jack: Who's your daddy?
Karen: You are.

Grace: Hey, Jack, how are you doing?
Jack: Sad, lonely, fatherless, seconds away from recording a country album.

Jack: Oh my God, you found my dad. Oh my God, I hit on my dad! Ew.
Karen: Ew.
Jack: Ew.
Karen: Ew.
Jack: Ew.
Karen: Ew.
Jack: I need soap. I need a Handi-Wipe for my brain. Oh, I hit on my father. I'm Soon-Yi. Ugh.
John: So, Jack, why don't we go some place where we can be alone?
Jack: Ew.
Karen: Ew.
Jack: Ew.
Karen: Ew
Jack: Ew.
Karen: Ew.
Jack: No, you don't understand, you're my daddy.
John: Not yet.
Jack: Ew.
Karen: Ew.
Jack: Ew.
Karen: Ew.

Jack: Why eat them? Why not just apply them directly to your man teets?
Will: Come on.
Grace: Would you give him a break? He's skinny. Just let him eat his cookies.
Jack: Hey, hetero skinny is very different than homo skinny. You're not in the club, you wouldn't understand.

Jack: Oh my God, do you understand this is bigger than the moon-landing?!
Will: One giant step for man on mankind.

Grace: Where is the camera going? Why are we looking at the fireplace?
Jack: Get off the flames and follow the flamers!

Craig: You'll never see two gay men kissing on network television
Jack: It's a gay network, for God's sake, the symbol is a peacock!

Jack: It just so happens that I've met many fine young lovelies on blind dates.
Will: Blind dates, not blind-folded dates.

Jack: I'm an expert. Will, I go on literally thousands of dates a year.
Will: That doesn't make you an expert, that makes you an escort.

Jack: You will now forget everything I just said.
Will: You didn't hypnotize me, you monkey.
Jack: Didn't I?

Jack: Tell me my eyes are pretty.
Will: The bug eye or the other one?

Jack: I can't pee in public bathrooms.
Will: Why not? You do everything else in them.

Jack: Someday I hope to have a hag of my very own.

Grace: Oh my God, naked pictures of James Van Der Beek.
Jack: What? Where? I knew he'd crack.

Karen: I have spent most of my adult life and millions of my husband's dollars learning about fashion. What are your qualifications?
Jack: Uh, I'm gay.

Jack: Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had intended man and woman to be together he would have given them both penises.
Will: I believe I heard Pope Ru Paul II say that.

Jack: I've copped a feel, might as well feel a cop.

Jack: I'm a freak, I'm an aberration, I'm a man that gets turned on by women.

Jack: It's all you can eat after midnight.
Will: I didn't know they served food.
Jack: They don't.

Jack: There are no straight men, only men who haven't met Jack.

Jack: Is Beek off the Creek?
Will: Is Jack smoking crack?

Jack [to Ben]: Your sports cup runneth over.

Jack: Hmm. Doesn't look like much of a salad to me. Where's the arugula? Where's the radicchio? Where's the Rwanda?
Ben: Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient so much as a war-torn country in Africa.
Jack: Duh, I sponsor a kid in arugula.

Jack [to Will]: You are the wind beneath my tush.

Jack: What about edible bike shorts?

Jack: You know what? Who needs brains when you can lick your own eyebrows.

Jack: Oh, Grace, I'm not like the other men in your life. I will hit you.
Grace: Bring it on, Nancy.

Will: How about projectile garlic jazz all over my $4,000 sofa?
Jack: Each time you describe this sofa you add another thousand.

Jack: Welcome to cynical island. Population, you.

Will: Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.
Jack: And guys don't make passes at guys with fat asses.

Jack: Sarcasm noted and quickly forgotten.

Jack: Oufit?
Karen: Custom.
Jack: Perfection.
Karen: I know.

Jack [at the ice show]: He's my hero. He's the gay one. Karen: One?

Jack: Holy dirty apartment, fatman!

Jack: So what happened in here? Did Grace explode?

Jack: I promise I'll tell him, I'm just gonna find the right moment.
Will: Well, maybe at lunch, when he finds out McFarland can't afford the McNuggets because he's a McLiar.

Jack: The world should know the truth about C3PO.
Will: Jack, C3PO is not gay, he's British.

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from 45 minutes of butt-robics, I give you.... my ass!

Will: Jack, I joke with you... a lot. I call you names. Names like Nellie, Mary, Tinkerbell, Femme-bot, Ally McHomo.
Jack: Get to the good stuf for get off the stage!
Will: But I love you, Jack. I don't tell you that enough. You're like... truth be told, you're like the brother I never had. Oh, what do you know?! The brother I never had is here tonight! But you see, unlike him, you'd never cut me out of your life, or split up my family. So here's to you Jack! Happy birthday.
Jack: What the hell kind of a toast was that?

Jack: Oh my God, I'm thirty. Do you know what that is in gay years?

Jack: Will, I told you, you live with a hetero long enough you're going to catch it.

Jack: Ah yes, many have sought my council on this subject. They say Jack is a wise man, Jack is a dangerous man, Jack is a great man.... No! Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men.

Jack: Y'know, no one took me on vacation when I broke up with...what's his face? Uh, bleached hair, tattoo, goatee? Who am I talking about?
Karen: God, I don't know, honey. You just described a needle in a gaystack.

Jack: I bitch-slapped the law and the law won.

Will: ...and behold! Women.
Jack: There were women at my old gym.
Will: Not on their birth certificate.

Will: What are you doing?
Jack: Well, you know the old saying, Will, a rolling fag gathers no moss. Yeah, you can lead a fag to water but you can't make him drink. A penny saved is a fag earned.

Will: I don't exactly put it on my business card: Will Truman, gay, member since 1982.
Jack: '82? Christ, '78, Mr. One-time-at-sleep-away-camp-doesn't-count.

Jack: Sufferin' Sappho!

Jack: Headline! I'm in love.
Will: Must have missed that headline... then again, I don't read the farm report.

Jack: That man ruined my career!
Will: Wait, wait, wait! You had a career and you didn't tell me?

Jack: Did you bite her head off and get to the creamy center?"

Will: I need to speak to both of you about Rosario.
Jack: That's Mrs. Jack McFarland to you.
Will: I thought YOU were Mrs. Jack McFarland.

Jack: Oooh, my very own sexless marriage. Just like Will and Grace.

Will: She's got her own apartment.
Jack: Eight dysfunctional feet away.
Karen: Lord, they're like siamese twins... who are joined at their boring personalities.

Jack: Oh look, Will, I'm flipping you the bird.

Jack: Hold still, Klaus van Puppy, we're accessorizing. Ooh, look at you all street. You're like Notorious D-O-G. I'm the pooch with the cold wet snout, if you sniff my butt then I'll ask you out. Word to the bitch.

Karen: Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?
Jack: No! How can you even ask me that? If my grandmother died would you bring me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

Jack [to Guapo]: You again? Oh my God, I'm Tippi Hedren.

Jack [hiding Guapo in the closet]: Now Guapo, the closet's not that bad. Will was in there for twenty years.

Jack: Oh my God, Karen, I don't know what to say.
Karen: Say, 'Thank you Karen, thank you for a boat with a mahogany deck, a cruising speed of forty knots and a staff of cabin boys who are either gay or questioning.'
Jack: Oh my God, it's one out of eery ten men's dream.

Jack: Oh my God, I just got to second with Grace.

Jack: Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass.

Jack: How dare you play the Cher card!

Jack: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... you're thinning on top.

Jack [to Will]: I'm going to say this because I love you. Your disproportionately large head gives you a marionette-like quality.

Jack: What, a guy sleeps with guys and immediately he's pegged as gay?

Jack: I think the first thing you're gonna buy me are colored contacts. I need new eyes for fall.

Jack: I've kept this from you for a long time and that's wrong because it makes it seem like I'm ashamed of something I'm not ashamed of. I want you to know who I am because I'm proud of who I am.... Mom, I'm gay.

Jack: Boy trouble? Now you're talking Jackinese. C'mon, we'll have a steak, you'll pour your heart out, and to top it all off, we'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right?
Grace: Who isn't?

Jack [to Will]: FYI, I missed you, don't make a big deal out of it, just be happy a celebrity is talking to you.

Jack: Kiss it. Kiss it. Spank it.

Jack: Ooh, barracuda. What crawled up your coolats?
Will: Nothing crawled up my coolats. It's just you're two inches from my ear polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher.

Jack: I screwed around with Josh.
Will: You should probably go with Ben.
Grace: What?
Jack: Remember how I said there was something about Josh I couldn't put my finger on? Well... I put my finger on it. Sorry.

Jack: If you need me I'll be out on the street, sleeping in a hat, tissue boxes for shoes, selling figurines of kittens made from scraps of metal and old soup.

Jack: Oh, I'm so excited. Gosh, it's been so many years, I hope I can pull off a thong.
Grace: Isn't the point of these weekends to pull off someone else's.

Jack: We're here, we're queer... Will: ...give us a light beer.

Jack: I wouldn't do it for a hundred dollars.
Will: How about fifty?
Jack: Fine.

Jack: What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save.

Jack: You're gonna be a great dad because for the last ten years you've been a great one to me.
Will: Wanna stop for ice cream?
Jack: Nah.
Will: Wanna go to a bar and look at hot guys?
Jack: I love you, Daddy.

Terry: This guy is an idiot!
Jack: I'm smart enough to sleep with men!

Will: What's with the voice?
Jack: I was trying to find my character and I came up with this voice.
Will: Well, Angela Lansbury wants it back.

Jack: Let's not split hairs... especially yours since you're thinning on top.

Jack: You just doubled your pleasure now you double my fun! Sing out, Louise.

Jack: It's a documented scientific fact that one twin is always gay. Which one is it, the cute one or the cute one?

Jack: The Banana has changed my life. It's all about the Banana.
Will: Hasn't it always been?
Jack: Save that smut for Loehmann's, you're in the Republic now.

Jack: He makes me want to be a bigger man.
Will: You mean a better man.
Jack: Yeah, that too.

Jack: His pants are ready. Have lovelier words ever been uttered?
Will: Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

Jack: He's a smarty. I heard him on his cell phone using big words like "particular" and "delicatessen."

Will: Japanese man with fish?
Jack: Japanese man with fish?
Matt: Japanese man with fish.
Will: I bought it.
Jack: I bought it.
Matt: You didn't.
Will: I did.
Jack: I did.

Will: I'm gonna spend my life with a man named Jack.
Jack: Jack who?
Will: Jack you.
Jack: Jack me?
Will: No, thanks.

Will: What about Grace?
Jack: Oh, you get custody of that.

Jack: Hey hey hey, you're not that great, mister sister.

Jack: Shouldn't we help her find her way back to a place called home?
Karen: Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid. It's a four-day drive and a boat trip to a place called home.

Jack: I think you need to hear a little story about when these two were dating, or as I like to call it, "When Mary met Sally."

Will: I'm not gay.
Jack: No? This well-worn copy of the "Dreamgirls" soundstrack begs to differ.
Will: How would you like it if I kicked your ass?
Jack: That depends on the spirit in which it is delivered.

Jack: Mom, there's chicken on the rug!

Jack: You're gay, Will! Okay? You're gayer than the day is long. You're Marvin Gaye! And let me tell you something, ain't no closet big enough.

Jack: I got a hot date tonight. I told him I was an ombudsman. I only have twelve hours to figure out what the hell that is.

Grace: You used my toothbrush?
Jack: Relax, I didn't use it on my teeth.

Jack: Judas! You're Judas. This is exactly what he did.
Will: Hmmm, don't know that the big problem there was a gay love triangle.

Jack: His name is Paul and he is cute with a capital Q!

Jack: Why isn't there any coffee?
Karen: Same reason you don't have a wife and three kids. It's the way God wants it.

Jack: Let me just have one last cup.
Karen: No.
Jack: Half a cup.
Karen: No.
Jack: How about you drink a cup and I lick your tongue?
Karen: Tempting, but no.

Jack: Out of my way! I've got a monkey on my back named Juan Valdez.

Jack: We're here at New York's finest restaurant where we've replaced Jack's coffee with NOTHING!

Jack: Ricky Martin, the openly Latino pop singing sensation.

Karen: Love your scooter.
Jack: Thanks, love your hooters.

Jack: Over my drop-dead gorgeous body!

Jack: You're gonna blink and you'll be eighty and alone in a caftan with a lap full of catnip saying, "Here, kitty kitty kitty." It's time to put the "sex" back in "homosexual," Will!

Jack: Grace, check it out. This is amazing. Tall muscular lovelies in nothing but short shorts and matching tank tops. Why would straight guys watch this?
Grace: If I knew why straight guys did anything do you think I'd be hanging out with you two homos?

Jack: Hey, Will, you look fantastic!
Will: I have no extra cash.
Jack: Your teeth are yellow.

Will: I though we could all have dinner on Friday night.
Jack: I'm busy Friday.
Will: How's Friday?
Jack: It's good.

Jack: I didn't like him anyway. He was coming off a little gay when he should have been coming on a little gay.

Jack: We still have plenty of time to figure something out before Paul gets here.
[a knock at the door]
Jack: Maybe it's not Paul.
Paul [from behind the door]: Will, it's Paul.
Jack: Maybe it's another Paul.
Paul [from behind the door]: Paul Putney.
Jack: Maybe he forgot about the dog.
Paul [from behind the door]: I'm here to pick up the dog.
Jack: Maybe he's over you.
Paul [from behind the door]: I miss you.
Jack: Well, my work here is done.

Jack: It seems as if there's no shoulder. You go straight from neck to arm.
Cindy: Why, that's absurd. I have perfectly fine shoulders.
Jack: Yeah, if you need to rescue children from wells.

Jack: Ever since Rocco dumped me I can't eat a thing. It's like I'm becoming manorexic.
Grace: I know, break-ups are hard. Especially after all the time you and Rocco spent together. Y'know, both days.

Jack: You're like a little Will-flower.

Karen: Honey, look at me, I've got the shakes and for all the wrong reasons.
Jack: Karen, I have seen you this freaked out since you turned forty-two...one...thirty-four...two...one.... Pretty girl, pretty girl!

Jack: Did you try her garter phone?
Will: She has a gart...? What is she, one of the X-men?

Karen: Honey, what the hell's a MAC award?
Jack: Um, only the most prestigious award in all of lower Manhattan non-transgendered Equity Waiver gay cabaret.

Jack: Ugh, this is so tight. Now I know why Evita was such a bitch.

Jack: I'm on the set of my new movie, "Poorly Decorated Crack-House."

Jack [on his answering machine]: Hi, it's Jack. I'm out... since 1985. Kisses!

Jack: Karen, we are doing this! Now, don't make me get all Whitney on your ass.

Jack: I'm on my way to the theater.
Val: Oh, yeah? What are you seeing?
Jack: I don't see, I am seen.

Jack: Wow, Karen, I just totally killed.
Karen: Yeah, something died tonight.

Jack: What the hell are you doing here!?
Val: I live here.
Jack: No, you don't!
Val: I'm carrying your baby!
Jack: No, you're not!
Val: You're a musical genius.
Jack: Okay, I'll give you that one.

Jack: Well, I'm gonna go put the male in the slot and then I'm off the post office.

Jack: So, where're you from?
Elliot: I'm from Queens.
Jack: Yes, you are, but we'll talk about that when you're older.

Jack: Welcome back. Later on let's catch a sad movie with a gay undertone.

Jack: Karen, I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm worried. My hair's never looked better but am I a good dad? I mean, I want so badly for him to like me but I can't tell if he does.
Karen: Honey, you know if you want people to like you, you have to buy them things.

Jack: Haley Joel Osment, you look fantastic!

Jack: Remind me to teach you how to hit like a girl.

Jack: I was bullied as a child, I went through a lot, but I am proud to say no one ever forced me to do their homework.
Will: That's probably because they never assigned a history paper on the rise of the leg-warmer.
Jack: Yeah, I went to a crappy school.

Will: I'm not a fighter, okay, I bruise like a summer fruit.
Jack: Well, if you're not gonna do it for yourself, then do it for me. Will, do it for every loser, geek, weakling, homo, ethnic, fatty, smarty, sitting alone under the jungle-gym petrified that they're gonna get beat-up for being different.

Jack: Who are you going after?!
Will: Kevin Wolchek!
Jack: What are you gonna do?!
Will: Beat the crap out of him!
Jack: And what are you gonna wear?!
Will: Jeans! No, khakis!

Elliot: Are you sure I'm not too dressed up?
Jack: Yeah... y'know what would bring it down a notch? Some Hawaiian punch and a chocolate cigarette.

Jack: Now, you will sit here on the freak bench with the other weirdos! No offense girls. Today's weirdos are tomorrow's talk show hosts and sensitive singer/song-writers.

Will: What did I just say?
Jack: Whosie boysie ho.

Jack: Look at her, no inhibitions, raw, naked, open.
Will: I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again.

Jack: I made my list once... just for fun. A veritable who's whom of the entertainment industry.
Will: Don't you mean a veritable who's that of the entertainment industry?

Karen: If you need me I'll be in womens' shoes.
Jack: One day I hope to say the same thing.

Jack: Will!
Will: Ah! Don't do that, you're like a gay jack-in-the-box.
Jack: I'm up for the part of male corpse on slab.
Will: I don't know what that means, but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response.

Jack: Once again, I find myself in the horns of a dilemma.
Will: Once again, the appropriate response seems to be, "Wear a condom."

Jack: Remember, find the love!

Will: Who is that guy?
Jack: That guy? Um, I don't know, he's.. he's that guy. Y'know, what's-his-name. Generic McPlainwrap.

Jack: Tomorrow I'm holding a casting session for the three not-so-wise-but-very-hot men.

Jack: If you're feeling generous, um, I would like some leather pants, um, hair extensions, and the ability to fly.

Jack: If I've learned anything from the Dalai Lama by way of Richard Gere, it's that suffering is a state of mind, quite like heterosexuality or the midwest.

Jack: Ah, Karen, beneath those big breasts beats a heart as big as those breasts.

Karen: Knock, knock, anybody homo?
Jack: I am, I am!

Will: Jack, your ass is ringing.
Jack: That means a gay angel just got his wings.

Jack: Hmm, you gave me the straight-guy-double-pat-on-the-back-no-hip-contact hug.
Owen: Actually, it was more the gay-guy-feel-the-delts-bend-at-the-waist-check-out-the-shoes hug.

Jack: What is taking you so long? Seduce him already. God, never send a woman in to do a man's job.
Grace: Jack, we're straight. It's a little more complicated than "your turn."

Jack: Strap yourself in, because I have gotten you what I believe to be, pants down, the best birthday present you're gonna get all year.
Karen: Honey, is my new liver in?

Jack: I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts.

Jack: I hope there's someone cute on the elevator. I'd love a deep, committed relationship for thirty floors or so.

Jack: I can totally play straight!
Karen: Aw, honey, no one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutch purse on Tony night. You fell out of the gay tree hitting every gay branch on the way down. And you landed on a gay guy... and you did him. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

Jack: Oh, look, my ride's here, and it's a huff. I believe I'll leave in it.

Jack: We were doing inventory and Dorleen let me off early because she said I have the attention span of–that is a fantastic blue.

Jack: You wanna take this outside?!
Man: Yeah.
Jack: Then go outside!

Karen: A magician, like a prostitute, never reveals her tricks.
Jack: Karen, take me to lunch? I'm in the mood for a cobb salad with a side of thousand dollar shopping.

Jack: Gosh, Karen, sometimes I love you so much I could conk you over the head with a coconut and drag you into my fireplace.
Karen: Oh, honey, you're gonna make me pretend to cry.

Jack: You couldn't go find a real person to hang out with so you get Karen?

Jack: Before it used to be, "world, Jack." Now it's, "Jack, world."
Grace: Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass.

Karen: I don't think I can wait any longer for some of the old Jack Daniels!
Jack: Jack Magic.
Karen: Honey, you say potato, I say vodka.

Jack: Fame, like Toby's new lover, is a rude, ugly, gay guy.

Jack: Are there any hobbits left in America?

Jack: I do ask that after you have completed the act of making sweet sweet love that you get Will a one-way ticket back to Homoville before he gets too comfortable in Gina Heights.

Jack: You can't be here right now. We're about to have a very serious conversation that isn't appropriate for a child your age.
Elliot: Well, can I listen at the door?
Jack: Yeah, I think that'll be fine.

Will: You've got my sperm.
Jack: Come again?

Jack: Show business is the harsh bitch of a mistress who kicked me in the gut one too many times until I heaved up the regret of a million yesteryears!

Jack: Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore.

Jack: You're hawking your album during my dream?
Cher: Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies.

Jack: What could possibly be more important than my best friends creating a new life? *watch alarm goes off* Oooh, it's time to stalk Kevin Bacon.

Jack: Number of films with full frontal nudity, four. Number of films with full sidal nudity, three. Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless.

Kevin Bacon: You. You're my stalker.
Jack: I prefer the term "professional crazed fan."

Jack: So, this is fun... fixing stuff... sanding things... workin' up a sweat. Makes me feel like a man. No, seriously, I'd like a man after we're done with this.

Will: Can I ask you something?
Jack: Ooh, serious voice. Let me do my Oprah listening pose.

Will: Jack and I are gonna paint it. Pink if it's a girl, and hot pink if it's a boy.
Jack: And flannel if it's a lesbian.

Jack: Pretend to think, pretend to think.
Karen: Pretend to care, pretend to care.

Karen: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jack: I don't know. Are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you?

Karen: C'mon on, honey. While we're here let's go pick on a gay kid.
Jack: Hey, I was that gay kid...!
Karen: Shake your skirt, fairy!

Jack: What you have is a pocket gay.
Will: A pocket gay?
Grace & Karen: A pocket gay?
Jack: A pocket gay. The perfect travel-size homosexual. Just pop him in a man purse or briefcase and you're good to go. In ten years they'll be makin' 'em all that way.

Jack: You're strong, you're fearless, your boobs are as high as an elephant's eye, and that's why I love you.

Grace: Hey, are you wearing smarty pants? 'Cause that's a pretty good plan.
Jack: Well, maybe not smarty pants, but perhaps a witty thong.

Grace: Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.
Jack: Yeah... Karen's a bottom.

Zandra: What in the hell is this, bitch?
Jack: Well, what do you mean? I'm acting.
Zandra: Oh, is that what that smell is? You stink.

Jack: Um, look, Leo, I know you're new here, and, um, we don't want you to think we're really cliquey and don't let anyone in our little group, but, um, well, we're really cliquey and we don't want anyone in our little group.
Karen: So, if you want to break into the fag four, this symbol of gay oppression has got to go.

Jack: Don't get too comfy. You may have Penelope Cruzed your way in, but, uh, you can just as easily be Mimi Rogered out.

Karen: Honey, look at 'em. After all these years, Will and Grace are finally getting married. Am I crying yet?
Jack: Still no.
Karen: Now?
Jack: Nuh uh.
Karen: How about now?
Jack: No.
Karen: Stick a pin in my arm.
Jack: I am.

Jack: Hey, Feliz-navi-dude.

Jack: It's beautiful. It's like a butt.

Jack: It's like riding a bicycle... only you're naked... and the seat's off.
Will: You can't borrow my bike anymore.

Jack: Karen and Milo, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-I-N-G-- wait.

Jack: So, he's the virgin Barry.

Jack: That's what we do in the community, we gay it forward.

Jack: Homo wasn't built in a day.

Jack: No pecs, no sex!

Jack: Makin' someone gay is exhausting. I don't know how my mother did it.

Will: I feel like everyone's judging me.
Jack: Well, of course they are, it's a gay bar.

Jack: Kare, during all my struggles, you've constantly been partially there for me. Is there anything I can pretend to do for you now?

Jack: What are you saying? I mean, would I like to spend a few unsupervised hours rummaging through your closet? Does a gay bear have anonymous sex in the woods?

Jack: In some circles I'm known as a dancer. Actually, they're not so much circles as cages.

Sissy: Jack was a little overactive today. He ate two bowls of Fruit Loops and twirled himself to tears.
Jack: Interesting. Could you tell the fruit to get his loop out here?

Jack: Delicious. Your ears have never looked better.
Will: Why my ears?
Jack: Learn to take a compliment.

Jack: Every A-list gay will be there. You know, the creme de la creme of the creme de la femme.

Grace: Wow. He's hot.
Jack: The final test. Grace finds him attractive. He's gay, all right.

Jack: Though two rights might make a wrong, a rolling butt gathers no moss.

Jack: Go keep an eye on Barry, he doesn't understand how predatory some of these guys can be. Oh, excuse me, I see a defenseless queerling that's wandered away from the flock.

Will: Do you even like him?
Jack: I like how I look when I'm next to him, and he's not as cumbersome as carrying a Pomeranian.
Will: Wow, you've fallen harder than I thought.

Jack: Moo goo gai pan is the food of love.
Will: Really?
Jack: Why do you think there are so many Chinese people?

Jack: Though the eyes are the windows to your soul, the zipper is the window to your underwear.

Jack: Join us. We're living out loud.

Jack: I just hooked up with the cute ugly guy from the Kiehls counter at Barney's.

Jack: I know we just met, but as a gay man, I'm oddly drawn to you.
Liz: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Grace: Me too.

Jack: They don't know I'm gay here.
Cam: I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.

Jack: You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven.
Grace: Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.

Jack: This is Chompers, the Earl of Puppydom.

Jack: You know what they say, a wrinkled ass is the devil's playground.

Jack: The theater is... well, it's my life. I live it, I breathe it, I fondle it 'til it falls asleep. But more importantly, I respect it. By the way, do you know what play we're doing?

Jack: We gotta lose the James Earl Jones and find the James Girl Jones.

Jack: I've discovered a universe where your egg-headedness is celebrated and your feta-cheese thighs are overlooked. It's the gay spelling bee!

Jack: That would be cheating. It would besmirch the reputation of gay spelling bees organized by drag queens in filthy tranny bars everywhere.

Jack: Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob?
Karen: It's only smaller when it's scared.

Jack: Lorraine's from England, so if you really want to hurt her, you could hold her down and make her watch the American version of anything British.

Jack: I enrolled in nursing school. And you know the best part?
Will: You need money?
Jack: I need money!

Jack: Finally, a legitimate reason to wear white hose.

Jack: If Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds taught us anything, it's that it's so much easier learning from attractive people.

Karen: What is better than a cup of hot cocoa after riding your maid in the snow?
Jack: It's surprising how many people are riding their maids on the upper west side.

Jack: I miss my classmates. I was their Barbarino.

Jack: If I were thirty years older, and you were thirty years younger... and a man.... Wow! Magic fireworks.

Jack: Grace is after me. If you see her, fire a warning shot into her hair.

Jack: You know, Janet, I cannot tell you how many times anonymous sex has led to a career change for me.

Jack: I would do a sugar daddy for a horse. Hell, I'd do a horse for a sugar daddy!

Jack: I get carried away when I'm included.

Jack: Will, the sweetest thing just happened. The lady on the elevator said we were a cute couple.
Stuart: Well, actually, she said, "Stop making out or the fires of hell will consume you."
Jack: It's an expression, like, "We don't want your kind in our neighborhood," or, "There he is, get him."

Stuart: This is a lot of fun. You know, she also teaches a master class in baking. We should take that.
Jack: Oh yeah, then we could be master bakers. We could master bake together.

Jack: I want no part of your ruthless money-grubbing schemes. You make money, and who loses? The big oil companies and President Bush. I think it's disgusting.

Jack: The streets are really tough out there for a boy alone. Ironically, they're tougher for two boys together.
Stuart: Well, I'm really impressed that you're working with patients already.
Jack: Oh, thank you. Although, as a student nurse, I can't technically touch them, treat them or care for them. But I can look kindly at them and be glad I'm not them.
Stuart: And that's the best medicine of all.

Jack: There they are: the most dangerous thing to happen to old ladies since Ashton Kutcher.

Jack: I was there with Stuart in that apartment, and he was talking, and all of a sudden we were old. There were cats and housecoats and CBS and keeping tissues up our sleeves.

Jack: You're like my favorite medium. Although, personally, you look more like a large.

Jack: Hey, when I die, you wanna grab dinner?

Jack: In Native American mythology, the refrigerator is the portal to dead fat people.

Jack: Hey, wanna be my second choice for the movies? We could go to a family film and look for gay subtext.

Will: You have things in common, like your love of the new format of Star magazine, and not knowing who's running for president.
Jack: I don't really like voting. I mean, what's the point of stepping into a booth if you can't get fondled.

Jack: That's it, I'm done with men. I'm into women now. C'mon, let's make hot hetero love together. Take off your breasts and turn around.
Grace: Oh, if only that was the first time a guy said that to me.

Jack: I can't believe you didn't tell me you had a son. That makes me doubt us.
Grace: Jack, have you told Stuart you have a son?
Jack: No, but that's different, I forgot I had one.

Jack: Men don't like to be chased, they like to do the chasing.
Will: But we're both men.
Jack: We're in an ugly area, let's move on.

Jack: You look handsome.
Will: Thank you.
Jack: April fools.
Will: You got me. You are so clever.
Jack: Ha. Thank you.
Will: April fools.

Jack: So, what does Grace think?
Will: Oh, they haven't met yet.
Jack: They haven't met? How do you know if you like him?

Karen: I haven't been on the dance floor since Studio 54. Of course, I'll be a lot more relaxed this time knowin' Liza's not in the coat room poking through my stash.
Jack: Karen needs to learn the Foxtrot so she doesn't embarass herself at her wedding.
Will: Oh, there'll be plenty of time for that when she passes out in the wedding cake.

Jack: Some people are born to dance, you were born to drink. If you could cut a rug like you lift a mug I'd have something to work with.

Elliot: You don't care about anything I do. You don't care about basketball and you don't care about skateboarding.
Jack: Well, we both like Vin Diesel movies.
Elliot: Yes, for very different reasons.

Karen: Can you believe him, wanting me to change my name. I've had that name my entire life!
Jack: Well, Karen, actually Walker was Stan's name. Before that you were Popeil and St. Croix. Your real name's Delaney.
Karen: Oh right, Zany Delaney.

Jack: Shrimp?
Beverley: Queer!

Will: He's not a person, he's not like Mr. Peanut.
Jack: Ah, Mr. Peanut isn't a person, Will.
Karen: He's a legume.

Jack: She loves me. We even made a movie together when she was asleep.

Artemus: You must be the newbie.
Jack: If that means, do I shave down there... yes.

Jack: You read funny, Will. Your lips don't move.
Will: Yeah, you'll notice I don't have to sound ot the words, either.
Jack: I don't think you're really reading.

Jack: Nudity!

Jack: I love it. When Hubert says, "Let me be your eyes," I sobbed like a little boy who wished he was a little girl.

Jack: Cher is my fairy godmother. Well, godmother to all fairies.

Jack: It's hard ot keep a straight face at a gay network.

Jack: Maybe I should quit, Karen. I don't think I have what it takes to climb over all these bottoms to get to the top.

Jack: Ah, what do we have here? One Jack, three queens and a old maid. I don't know what game we're playin', but deal me in.
Will: Well, the clown's here, it's officially a party.

Jack: While we're here, can we check out lesbian erotica. I'm still trying to figure exactly what it is they do.
Will: I imagine it's like bumper cars.

Jack: Well, look who it is, the worst thing to happen to gay culture since straight guys started dressing gay.

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